Help Me
by RomanJames
Summary: Phil and Dan thought they were fighting their own battles, little did they know that they were never far from each other's mind.
1. Chapter 1

Something about Dan was different, it hadn't been a sudden change, it had been a gradual slide into someone else. He wasn't sure if Dan even knew it himself, but Phil could see it. There was a war going on inside him and even if he wanted to, Phil couldn't fight it for him.

There were the good things, like the way the corners of Dan's mouth would lift up when Phil said his name and the electricity between them in a quiet room. There were days however, when Dan would lock himself in his room for hours at a time and times when he looked like he had something so important to say but could never quite find the right words or the right time to say it.

With every shift in Dan, Phil could feel himself changing as well. Phil couldn't help himself, sometimes he would catch himself watching the way Dan moved. He wasn't as awkward or clumsy as he thought. There was a fluidity in his movements that pulled at Phil's heart and then there were the scary things. Sometimes during Dan's absence it cause Phil physical pain in his chest and made it hard to breathe. Even worse, were the times that Phil entertained the idea that physically harming himself would drown out everything else he felt.

At night, Phil would lie in bed with thoughts of Dan wearing a hole in his head he would close his eyes tightly, hoping to God that he was dreaming. The carefully placed facade that Phil had been been wearing for months was cracking and every time Dan looked at him and smiled another crack appeared.

Dan spent the majority of the time on his room pacing back and forth fighting with his thoughts. Despite his best efforts, he was loosing the battle and he had no idea how to cope with what he felt. He had to escape, he could handle this anymore. There was a bottle of whiskey sitting in the bottom kitchen cabinet and he was going to abuse it. He kept refilling his glass over and over, waiting for the liquor to put out the fire he was sitting in. He sat there in the floor whispering to himself, "I know you can't hear me, but I need you to save me tonight."

Phil woke to the sound of breaking glass. He walked into the kitchen to find Dan sitting with his head between his knees surrounded by broken glass and smelling strongly of alcohol.

"Dan?"

Dan lifted his head and his chocolate almond shaped eyes widened.

"Phil" he whispered.


	2. Chapter 2

Dan tried so hard to bring Phil into focus, and even though the alcohol had made his brain fuzzy, he felt so calm. He was here. He heard me. "_Phil_"

Phil watched in horror as Dan's eyes went in and out of focus. Suddenly, Dan tipped to the side. He was going to land in the broken glass. Phil lurched forward and caught him before he hit the cold, wet floor.

That was it, all the hurt and confusion he had felt over the past few months were gone. He slowly sank to the floor, clutching Dan to his chest. He didn't care about the glass or the mess all that mattered was Dan.

Phil knew that Dan was fast asleep but he couldn't help talking to the helpless boy he had fallen in love with. "I can usually push you away" he whispered. "But tonight, I'm too tired to fight." He took a deep breath and said, "Yeah, I think this is where it begins, where I let you sink into my veins."

Dan stirred in his arms, made a sound of discontent and then pressed his face further into Phil's neck. Phil raised his hand and slowly placed it on the side of Dan's face. Slowly, and oh-so carefully he used his thumb to trace the line of Dan's bottom lip.

Even though he wanted to stay there in the floor all night, he knew that Dan needed to get to bed. So with a sigh, he picked Dan up and carried him to the bathroom. There were small pieces of glass in his left elbow and his clothes were soaked. He propped Dan up between the wall and the bathtub and began to pick the glass out.

Somewhere in Dan's mind he knew that Phil was holding him, but he just didn't care. He smelled like warm and safety. Dan finally opened his eyes to see Phil crouching in front of him with a pair of tweezers pulling things out of his arm.

Dan made to pull his arm from Phil's gentle grasp, but Phil flashed a set of crystal blue eyes and tightened his hold, "Shh, no Dan, be still. I need to get you cleaned up."

Dan sighed but let Phil continue his mind wandering to the way Phil's hand feel on him and he smiled hoping that Phil didn't notice. After Phil had cleaned up his arm, he helped Dan into his bedroom. Dan was struggling to take his ruined clothes off and he turned to Phil with a silent plea for help. Phil moved to help Dan with his shirt and as he pulled the t-shirt over Dan's head his fingers brushed softly along Dan's stomach and he longed to pull his beautiful mess back into his arms.

_"No. Don't. It'll only make it worse when you have to go back to bed alone."_

As Dan wobbled to his bed, his drunken brain was just now registering that the trail that Phil's fingers had left on his stomach felt like fire. But it was too late, Phil was already turning to the door, his hand on the light switch.

"Goodnight Dan"

"Phil" Dan's voice was full of something that Phil couldn't place.

As Phil turned back to the bed, Dan threw back the sheets.

"Phil, don't leave me. Please Stay."


	3. Chapter 3

Phil stared back at Dan completely bewildered.

"_Stay? Sleep in his bed? I...but,"_

Looking at Dan's face however, he knew he couldn't say no. So he nodded and gave a quick shrug and walked toward the other side of the bed.

Dan breathed a sigh of relief, he rolled to face Phil, mumbled, "_Tanshoo"_ then closed his eyes.

Phil turned his head to the right and raised an eyebrow in Dan's direction. When he saw how peaceful Dan looked, he smiled and looked back at the ceiling. He had a feeling that Dan had been trying to tell him thank you.

While Dan slept, Phil's mind was racing around an endless track.

_"Why did he want me here? Maybe he...No, Phil, NO. Don't go there. He's drunk and needed a friend. That's it."_

_"Christ, How long has he had these plastic stars on his ceiling... How much is there that I don't know...I know he's had his problems, but..."_

_"I can't...I can't stay here. This can't happen. He won't notice if I leave now."_

Phil checked to make sure that Dan was still soundly asleep, then he slowly began to sit up, propping himself on his elbows first then, easing his legs off the bed. Phil winced and then froze when the bed frame creaked. He looked back over his shoulder to make sure that Dan hadn't been disturbed and he saw Dan's eyes on him. His posture sagged, he knew that there was no escaping now.

"No..." It sounded like a plea. There again was the same tone from before, though Phil couldn't place it. It sounded like fear, and sadness, and hope and maybe a little bit of longing, Phil smiled and said, " Go back to sleep, I'm just going to the bathroom and then I'll be right back" trying a different strategy to get out.

"No" Dan repeated. Suddenly Dan reached out and grabbed Phil's hand. "Stay"

As Phil laid back down, Dan scooted closer to him, putting his head on Phil's chest. Phil looked down startled and then moved the arm that had been propping up his head and wrapped it around Dan's shoulder. Despite the warning in Phil's head, he gently pressed his lips to Dan's forehead, "_Shit Phil. This is bad."_

When Dan woke the next morning, he still lying beside Phil with his head on his chest.

" _Damn. What the hell happened."_

He quietly got up and moved into the kitchen for coffee and some relief for his aching head. Sitting on the couch, he had time to re-think the night before and the implications of his actions.

After a string of expletives, his thoughts settled into a coherent form.

"_Does he know? How much did I tell him? Is this going to ruin our friendship? I know he won't return the sentiment but I just want him close to me... I ... I have to tell him... It's too hard to hide anymore... I don't have anymore rope to hang on. I can't swing back and forth anymore."_

When Phil woke, there was a moment of sleepy happiness and then the events of the night before came rushing back. He sat straight up looking around for Dan.

"_Oh man, I hope he didn't get the wrong idea...Well I do, but...PHIL!"_

Phil jumped up and headed to the door pausing with his hand on the handle.

_"No, just do it. You've got to face this."_

He swung open the door and Dan swiveled around from his seat on the couch.

"Phil?" It was a question, but Phil could only stare into the fathomless depths of Dan's eyes.

Dan knew he should move, but he was nailed to the spot by the look on Phil's face.


	4. Chapter 4

At this point Phil had detached himself from the door frame and was making his way towards the kitchen in hopes that Dan had left some water in the teapot so that he could make himself a cup of tea.

He heard the creaking of the couch as Dan got up and followed him into the kitchen. Phil steadily concentrated of breakfast even though Dan's footsteps had stopped by the kitchen counter.

"Phil, please tell me what's wrong. I...I'm sorry if you're angry about last night."

Phil turned to look at Dan, not trusting himself to speak incase he actually did get sick.

"_Just do it Phil. Tell him and get it over with."_

When Phil finally spoke, his voice was scarily quiet, "No Dan, I'm not mad. I just..." He sighed and shrugged, "No, I'm not mad."

_"Just Do it! Quit Waffling Around!"_

"Actually Dan, um, there is something I need to tell you."

"Yeah? What is it?"

Phil took a deep cathartic breath and then, " Daniel, I don't know what's been going on in your life lately... but, um, I... oh christ..."

At this point Dan realized what was going on and his breath started coming in rapid shallow bursts.

Dan reached his hand out to grab Phil's , but Phil pulled out of the way.

"Phil" the way Dan said his name sounded like a warning, a question and also slightly exasperated. "If this is about me asking to sleep in my bed last..."

Phil cut him off with a wave of his hand.

"No. Listen. Please." When Dan nodded in agreement, Phil began bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet and then he closed his eyes and spilled all of his secrets.

"The thing is, for a while now I've been having some issues with my sexuality. I mean, I know that it's not a big deal, but I've just been really really confused and I figured that maybe if I ignored it, it would go away because. I mean, Dan, I don't know how to like men..."

At this, Dan drew in a sharp breath, "What?" Phil asked breaking off from his tirade.

"Nothing, Nothing, Keep going."

" Well, yeah and then I decided that I could learn how to be good with guy, you know but then..." "_Just do it PHIL!" _

_" _But then, I realized that maybe it wasn't all guys I didn't know how to be with.. Maybe, it was just you... and last night, I was so scared and worried and I just wanted to hold you all night, but that just not my place and this...it's ... it's just hard, knowing I can't have that."

Dan found himself, for once in his life, speechless.

Phil feeling rather dejected, slumped in defeat, "I knew you wouldn't return the sentiment, but I was hoping that you would have at least said something."

Dan meanwhile, was opening and shutting his mouth in an attempt to say something, but his mind was still reeling from Phil's outburst.

"_He...he...I can't...and the Phil...oh jesus...he and me and... what?!... He does... I do... why...how?... my Phil... he likes me...he wants to be with me... he was worried... and wanted to..." _

Dan was pulled from his silent reverie by Phil trying to push past him in the narrow kitchen doorway. "Phil, don't go."

"Just please let me go. I don't want to talk any more."

Dan in moment of panic, reached down and grasped Phil'swrist.

Phil looked down and tried to pull his hand from Dan's grasp.

"See the thing is Phil, You said you didn't know what had been going on with me lately and really it's pretty simple. I had to stay away from you because I care too much. I wanted for us to be together and the temptation was too much some times. But now, You and I, we can stop hiding from each other and I want that so badly."

Phil had stopped trying to pull his arm free and looked at Dan with wide, bright eyes.

"You do?"

"I really do Phil."


End file.
